Guest blogger Nickie White is here today with a new post about looking for answers, disappointment, and starting the diagnosis process over. She paints the picture of life as the parent of a child with undiagnosed special needs and shows us who the artist is.

A New Canvas for a Special Needs Journey

“Are we starting over?”

“Yes, ma’am. I guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

How, after 8 months of meeting with specialists, is there nothing that indicates what is going on with my son?

I am not a painter. I don’t understand how to mix colors or how you can use watercolor pencils and just brush water over them at the end. I can’t ever get clay to be what I want it to be. My friends make these precious plates to celebrate their baby’s milestones and mine look awful. Going “back to the drawing board” sounds less than appealing to me. My thoughts are a mess. Feelings, frustrations, confusion, defeat. This is my baby and no one has any idea what is wrong.

Here we go. Again.

We are more committed to giving God everything than we have ever been. I have been in the Word more in the last 8 weeks than I ever have. We are hungry. Satan continues to attack our marriage because we are tired. Somehow we pull closer and push the online giving button instead of killing each other. My emotions are on the fritz. I can’t sleep like a normal person because I am convinced there is someone breaking into my house, or that my kids have stopped breathing. The pressure is definitely on.

It sure isn’t a good time to learn to paint.

When I hung up, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry or run until I couldn’t breathe. Joel’s parents called back, and I explained to them what the nurse practitioner said, and we of course talked about the options. But my mind was spinning. Then I asked the how-am-I-giving-and-serving-and-I’m-still-not-getting-what-I-need question.

BINGO! It’s not about me.

I have to continue to dig deeper until I see nothing but Him. Deep enough to go to the land He will show me. That picture seems bleak to me, scary even. But who knows… it could be a watercolor pencil painting that looks like a whole new me once there is a little water added. No Hirshsprungs disease.

But He knows what it is, and it is in the land He will show me.

“The Lord said to Abram: ‘Leave your country, your family, and your relatives and go to the land that I will show you. I will bless you and make your descendants into a great nation. You will become famous and be a blessing to others. I will bless anyone who blesses you, but I will put a curse on anyone who puts a curse on you. Everyone on earth will be blessed by you.'” (Genesis 12:1-7) If you follow that story till the end…what’s the land that God took Abram to? It ended up being THE promised land.

Maybe I should buy new brushes.

How is God Painting Your Canvas?

How is God painting the canvas of your family’s special needs journey? How do you sense Him at work in your lives? Or perhaps you don’t sense God at work. What do you need to hang on while you wait for God to act? Leave a comment.

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