This month, guest blogger Kathy Guzzo talks about boundaries. Boundaries with adult children who have special medical needs. In her two part series she first addresses the importance of setting specific special needs boundaries. In Part 2, which runs tomorrow, she addresses accepting responsibilities and looking for positive results.
Setting Special Needs Boundaries
“Mom, should I go to the Emergency Room or the walk-in clinic?”
This was a question that my daughter posed to me one morning while she was away at college and not feeling well. Believe it or not, I was actually glad to receive this phone call. Not because she was ill, but because it meant we were making progress with regard to finding the right balance in navigating our journey with her chronic illness.
Learning to Be Specific about Special Needs Boundaries
The above mentioned phone call came late in the second semester of Andrea’s first year of college. We had been trying to find a balance between when she should call us and when she could handle things on her own. The first semester I tried to back off and not be a helicopter mom, hovering over her, by allowing her to make decisions. However, I realized when I began receiving medical bills in the mail for appointments and tests that we were unaware she was having that there needed to be a discussion on this topic so we could set some rules concerning her health care.
Here’s the list of boundaries we developed for this area:
- We needed names and phone numbers of all treating doctors. At one point she had 9 different specialists so this was very important.
- She needed to let us know of any and all doctor’s appointments scheduled. This was especially important to us because her specialists were two hours from her college so we wanted to know when she was on the road.
- We were to be kept up to date on all medications she was taking. We felt this was important in case of adverse reactions, if she was ill while at home and we had to inform doctors of her meds, etc. In fact, there was a time she had a serious psychological reaction to a drug causing a trip to the hospital and because I knew she had just started a new medication the doctors were able to determine that the cause of her condition was medical and not psychological.
- She was to notify us of any emergency visit to a hospital or walk-in clinic. At times we were notified after her arrival, which was fine, especially if a friend took her. We told her we would trust her judgment on this.
- Her friends and/or roommates were to have our contact information and we were to have theirs.
- She was to be in contact with us by phone at least 2-3 times a week. This allowed me to see how she was doing. A mom can tell a lot even on the phone with her child.
What Could You Add to the List?
If you’re the parent of an adult with special needs, you probably have experience with setting specific special needs boundaries. If you have any to add to the list, please leave a comment so we can learn from you, too.
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