For guest blogger Rebekah Benimoff and her family, successful outings require a little extra planning. She relearned the importance of self care for the caregiver during a recent visit to a crowded restaurant, as he guest post shows.
Self Care for the Caregiver: Braving the Crowds
Braving the crowds on a holiday with two wiggly boys and a husband with PTSD is not my idea of fun. Yet recently family came into town and wanted to take us to dinner. Months had passed since our last foray into the world of crowded restaurants, when Roger had left after five minutes. We’d scratched our date night and gone home. Roger hibernated in the bedroom to recover, and I had sandwiches with the kids. So I had legitimate concerns about trying again– but Roger wanted to go out, despite my hesitation.
PTSD Concerns
The restaurant was not as bad as I’d expected, but the kids were cranky and Roger had to wait outside to avoid the groups coming in and out. Blaine was flopping all over me, complaining he did not want to be there either. Tyler borrowed my iPhone only to have it taken away because he kept blaring music, way too loud- so he could hear it over the din of the crowd (he has trouble discriminating sounds in loud places).
Eventually our group was called and Roger crammed into the booth, back to the wall. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but years of being in the middle of a war zone have caused hyper-vigilance. He can’t sit by a window, and he has to be in a strategic position and see all areas of the room, to have a way of escape.
Sensory Disorder & Diabetes Concerns
I pulled the kiddos onto my side and endured the pummeling that comes from a child with a sensory disorder who needs constant stimulation via bumping into me. As his brother often complains, our youngest has no understanding of “personal space”. When Tyler started yelling out his order, I thought we were going lose Roger, but he surprised me by not darting out the door. Through the meal, Roger coped by wearing headphones to keep from becoming overwhelmed by the movement and clamor at our table alone– not to mention the rest of the place. I tried to enjoy my meal quickly, calculate the insulin to carb ratio with Tyler, and help him talk at a normal volume despite the noise in the restaurant.
Self Care for the Caregiver Techniques
We usually avoid this kind of stress, but occasionally I find myself doing my best to make it through the moment. And I have found that no matter how much we plan, and no matter how often I say “no”, sometimes I end up in places I cannot handle on my own. And after a situation like this one, I want to go home and bury myself under the covers.
I take care of my family in ways that not everyone can relate to. Over time I have learned that part of taking care of my family involves taking care of me. This particular time, I agreed to go out, but I also arranged for “down time” afterwards—so I could recover. I’ve found that I take much better care of the ones I love if I am making sure my needs are met. Like the oxygen mask in the airplane—you have to put yours on before you can help someone else. And we need more than a breath every now and then. We need the steady supply that keeps us well.
This takes planning and communicating. Most especially it takes knowing what I can and cannot do, and prioritizing. Not everyone understands, but the reality is they do not have to. Self care for the care giver is vital- no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to do what is best for my family- it’s that simple.
How About You?
Rebekah has developed self-care techniques that work for her. Perhaps you have techniques that work for you, too. If so, we’d love to hear them and perhaps try them out. So if you please, leave a comment about your self-care for the caregiver techniques.
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Nancy,
Thanks for the link. What a great batch of articles!
Jolene
It is really hard. I am struggling with not being able to do “normal” things right now, too.
I am sure we all pray even if we don’t cry when we need to. Sometimes, but less and less as my children age and God draws me closer and closer, I remember to pray more and more.
Do you have friends or family members or church members that you could train? A pastor may know of resources, too.
I read a great article last night about being a caregiver last night, but it is not free on the website for Talbetalk Magazine, a devotional by RC Sproul. However, here is the link for other great articles.
http://www.ligonier.org/tabletalk/
Praying for you Julanne and hope things are better in the past two weeks.
Julanne,
I am so sorry to hear about how difficult your life is right now. Have you contacted a social worker at the nearest big children’s or university hospital? If not, call and explain your situation to them. They may be able to point you in the direction of resources or give you advice on how to get services. Also, does your child get any early childhood services? Ask your doctor or pediatrician to refer you to the office in your county. Or call the public school office and ask them for contact information.
Anyone else have advice for Julanne? How can we help her, parents?
Jolene
I got my first break in over 1 year 2 days ago, I paid a trainned worker to come over and I went half a mile away from the house for 20min and got some to go food and came home to my 2yr old daughter who has goldenhar syndrome, speech and learning delays and multifocal seizures. The regional center refuses to give me respite hours- they say anything I do for her, I would do for anyother 2 yr old- I say OH REALLY? There is no breaks, I wake up 4-6 times every night, I fix (grind up)and spoon feed her every meal, change every daiper, bathe, lift in and out of van, give her meds 2x a day, breast feed and give her pedisure. Then I’m responsible for all the clean dishes and laundry as well as all the house cleanning. Somedays I don’t even have the engery to cry.