Valentines Day is here. My husband, Hiram, and I will give each other cards, but there will be no night out, no flowers, no chocolate, no bottle of wine. Just enjoying a quiet evening at home, a tradition that started in 1983.

Our First Valentine’s Day as Parents of a Child with Special Needs

That Valentine’s Day was our first as parents of a baby with medical special needs. It was also the year I understood what a loving person my husband is. Not because he purchased a beautiful card. Or a bottle of wine or flowers or chocolate. And not because he made reservations for a romantic dinner at a swanky restaurant. None of those things were possible that year. Our baby boy was fighting another bronchial infection. We were exhausted from nine months of life-saving surgeries, nine months of invasive medical procedures, nine months of trying persuade our little one to take enough nourishment to thrive, nine months of sleep deprivation, nine months of surrendering our dreams of parenthood to the reality of raising a baby born with EA/TEF.

How My Spouse Said “I Love You” that Valentine’s Day

Though we were tired and distracted, my husband said “I love you” in unforgettable ways:

• Night after night, he slept in the recliner with our fussy baby so I could sleep.
• Day and night, he diapered our baby and gave him bottles while I pumped breast milk, the only nourishment our little guy’s sensitive stomach tolerated.
• Meal after meal, he shadow boxed in the kitchen to make our boy laugh so I could sneak a spoonful of baby food into his mouth.
• Month by month, he attended emergency medical technician (EMT) training so one of us had a clue about how to handle our son’s complex medical needs.
• Hour after hour, he patiently endured my frequent emotional rants fueled by an intense grief he didn’t understand.

This Valentine’s Day

That first Valentine’s Day is long past. Our baby is a grown man. He’s healthy and strong, and father of two of our adorable grandchildren. Even so, the acts of love performed by my husband 31 years ago are fresh and clear. When I look at my husband—a little grayer, a little balder, a little more wrinkled than he was 3 decades ago—I see a young father rocking a fussy baby and patting his tiny bottom. I see a young husband faithfully standing beside his hormonal, emotional wife. I see a quiet man who was tested by special needs parenting fire and proved true. I see the man I want to spend quiet Valentine’s Day evenings with as long as we both shall live.

Your Special Needs Valentine’s Day?

How has your spouse said “I love you” through special needs thick and thin? Give him or her a well-deserved shout out in the comment box. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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