Special needs confessions are a specialty here at Different Dream. Today’s confession comes compliments of guest blogger, Michelle Selent. In this post, she describes how a recent setback, due to med change for her daughters who live with fetal alcohol syndrome and bipolar disorder, left her unglued.

Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Reglued

I want to share with you just how God has been speaking to me since my girls started to go manic due to a change in their medication regime. Some friends and I are going through Lysa Terkeurst Bible study Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions. Once again God has brought something to me that has divine perfect timing.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging we have ever had with the girls. We are on our second medication since the last one. The first one we tried was horrific. Mercy screamed inconsolably for four hours until almost midnight one night then woke up screaming again at 5 AM. This coming on after both the girls literally were awake for 48 hours coming off the old medication, left us empty.

Special Needs Confession: Unglued by Frustration and Guilt

I did come unglued. I was furious to see what was happening to our girls. I yelled and screamed at God, literally waving my fist in the air in complete exhaustion and frustration. I cried the shoulder-heaving cry. You know, the kind that leaves you looking like you have Garfield-the-cat eyes when you wake up the next morning. Yeah. It wasn’t pretty.

Then comes the guilt. The guilt that comes from knowing that I swerved. When circumstances came at me hard and I didn’t stand firm. Doubt didn’t creep into my heart—it bombarded it.

Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Broken

I kept thinking: Where is God’s glory in all of this? How is He for me and not against me in all of this? What future and hope do my girls really have? Really? Is faith really just something you use to psych yourself out of reality? I was broken and empty.

A quote from this week’s homework struck my wounded soul.

And empty women, oh how we come unglued. Especially when the empty settles into the part of our souls where unmet desires restlessly wait. And in the dark corner, desperation churns for what could be but isn’t, and what we want but still don’t have.

I long for my sweet chocolattes to be redeemed from what their birth mother inflicted upon them. I long for them to learn. I long for them to be able to eat normally, sit normally, focus normally, speak normally, make friends, fit in, bring joy to others, and one day, for them to know Jesus and serve him, while living successful adult lives. I long to not only love them but to like them more. Don’t get me wrong—they have very endearing aspects. Mercy can smile and laugh and melt you to pieces with her cuteness, and Jubilee is such a love bug. But the scales are tipped right now with all the behavior issues.

Special Needs Confession: Reglued and Unswerving

God brought this scripture verse back to the forefront: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9) Lysa also said this: He goes deep like the ocean. He stretches wide like the sky. He reaches out like the sun. Even when our tears slip, we know his hand never does.

Oh, how I needed to read that. Yes, I swerved, and yes, my flesh failed. But in my best Jesus-take-the-wheel voice, I tell you I am swerving back. Thank you, Jesus, that you never fail. Help me to not give up and to see the harvest. God knows my unmet desires and why they mean so much to me. May I desire Him even more and May he give me an unswerving faith.

Insert Your Special Needs Confession Here

I’m pretty sure Michelle’s not the only parent of kids with special needs who’s come unglued. Now’s the time to share your confession with people who understand. If you’ve been reglued, tell us how that happened, too.

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