Guest blogger Amy Stout is here to address an issue parents of children with special needs often neglect – connecting with your spouse. In Part 1 of this series, she gives three tips to help parents work and serve together.

Connecting With Your Spouse When Circumstances Say No, Part 1

I once told my husband “I love you like crazy, but sometimes I just don’t LIKE you.”

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? I have found myself here on a few occasions over the past 20 years and while I admire and love the open and honest relationship I have with my husband, I also know how hurtful my words can be. I usually find myself in this place when I am tired, emotional or when I focus on my needs instead of his. This is a dangerous place to be and I know it instantly after those words leave my mouth. Instant conviction of not being the wife I want to be.

The world will feed you lies. It will entice you by whispering in your ear “You need to take care of YOU.” It will deceive your heart by suggesting “YOU deserve this – think of yourself,” or it will frighten you with “If you don’t take care of YOU, who will?”

It would be easy to buy those platitudes if we were married to the mirror, but most of us choose to embrace someone other than ourselves. So the question emerges… “How do I bond with my spouse in a healthy manner when I feel tired, broke, busy and just plain don’t feel like it?” Here are a few suggestions that have helped my own 20 year relationship. I hope you find them helpful too.

Get on the Same Page

It is really, really difficult to connect with your spouse when the two of you are not heading in the same direction. I’m not saying be a carbon copy of each other, I’m simply suggesting that you know and understand what direction you are progressing toward in life regarding your goals, relationship, parenting duties, values and ambitions.

Feeling confused about what your goals/ambitions/values are? An easy way to quickly determine what is important to you is to ask yourself the following questions.

• How do I spend my time/money? (Seriously look at your checkbook and calendar to see- We tend to invest in what we love.)
• Who am I? /What are my roles? (Wife, mom, daughter, employee, friend, teacher at church, volunteer, etc)
• When I am no longer in this world, how do I want to be remembered in each of those roles?
• Set some goals and priorities (with your spouse) regarding what you discovered by answering these questions.

Serve Together

This is the easiest way to bond with your spouse (and your children). Find an area in your church or community where you can serve and reach out to others TOGETHER as a couple and/or family. This not only strengthens your bond as a family, but it also helps you to focus on someone/something other than yourself. Pouring into others via service is extremely therapeutic and increases an individual’s level of gratitude. One note of caution: Be sure to protect and guard your relationship. Do not over schedule your time. Keep a healthy balance.

Use Time Purposefully

Analyze your day and find blocks of time that you can fill more purposefully. One of the ways I have found to do this is to read aloud to my husband when we drive. We have read entire series of books and my family loves this so much that I am barely in my seat and attempting to buckle my seatbelt when the book we are reading is being pushed toward me. This is not only a bonding opportunity but it is a way to invest in my family by giving of myself. Reading together also gives us more shared experiences, conversation starters and mutual knowledge on a certain topic.

How Do You Connect with Your Spouse?

Thanks to Amy for today’s three suggestions. Do any of them ring true for you? How do you connect with your spouse even when taking care of a child with special needs makes it a challenge? Leave a comment about how you connect with your spouse when circumstances say no.

Part Two

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