Abbey, daughter of guest blogger Kimberly Drew, is growing up. Kimberly’s been doing the normal mom business of replaying the movie of her daughter’s life and wondering what she could have done differently. Her chief regret is that she didn’t intentionally encourage friendships between Abbey and her typical peers. Here are her thoughts on the importance of fostering friendships for kids with special needs. She’ll be back in a few weeks with specific ideas about how to do it.

Being Your Child’s Best Friend is Okay but Being her Only Friend Is Not

My daughter Abbey and I are sometimes inseparable. At social gatherings, she is right by my side. I adore having her as my little sidekick. However, as she is getting older I am starting to reflect on the earlier years of her life. Now I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. Since I can’t, I’ll pass on what I learned about fostering friendships for kids with special needs.

I wish I had communicated to the world that just because Abbey doesn’t talk and is mentally disabled, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings.

Someone asked me if I needed her to have friends for her or for myself…and I wasn’t sure how to answer that. She seems perfectly content to have me as her best friend in life. But what if it does matter to her? She can’t communicate that, and she certainly understands way more than I think she does. Isn’t it my job to speak for her? I should have considered that just because Abbey can’t communicate that she wants friends, or to play with other children, doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel that way.

I wish I had spoken up to my friends when they planned birthday parties, or play dates that didn’t include Abbey and me.

There were times when my feelings were hurt that we felt left out, but instead of saying something I just accepted that I didn’t want to force Abbey onto anyone. I told myself it wasn’t fair to ask a little child to do something they weren’t comfortable with. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I have fantastic friends who would have, and are, navigating these waters with me. I know they would have responded in love, and we could have worked it out together. The pain and loss of missed memories and little girl experiences was unnecessary. We could have had those too.

I wish I had made more of an effort to build friendships with other girls her age instead of expecting it to happen.

When children are young, they are more flexible and extremely easy to teach. As four and six-year-olds, this would have been the perfect time to have some of my friends with little girls over to learn how to play with Abbey. Let’s face it, playing with someone who is disabled does not come naturally to most adults or children. But it is a skill that can be learned. If these little girls had been given a chance to learn how to play with Abbey, they would have eventually fallen completely in love with her. She really is the sweetest thing. Instead, it is still awkward among her peer group and I am pretty much Abbeys only “girl” friend. I hate that.

I believe friendship is worth the work and can be taught.

Even as adults we have to work at our friendships sometimes. That’s what makes them stronger! We should expect nothing less for our children. They deserve to grow up with loving and loyal friends too.

How About You?

What are your thoughts about fostering friendships for kids with special needs? Leave them in the comment box.

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