Special Needs Answers to “How Are You?”
Photo Credit: stock photos at www.freedigitalphotos.net
Guest blogger Maggi Gale knows that responding to pleasantries like “How are you?” can be a minefield for parents of kids with special needs. In today’s post, she offers advice to friends who glibly ask that question, among others, of parents dealing with a child’s special needs diagnosis.
The Special Needs Answers
“How are you?”
“Fine thanks, and you?”
“Fine!”
How I hated those superficial run-ins at the supermarket.
Hidden Special Needs Answers
Do you really want to know how I am?
Scared. Will my daughter ever come out of this cycle of sickness, brief recovery, followed by more sickness?
Tired. I lie down exhausted, tense, waiting for the night cough. And it comes. I long for rest as a thirsty person longs for a drink of cool water.
Confused. My head feels as fuzzy as the insides of a cushion. I cannot start a thought and follow it through to completion without losing my thread.
Insightful Special Needs Answers
And you? How are you, behind that smile?
Worried. That I might open up, and you won’t have the right answers. Don’t worry–there aren’t any.
Uncomfortable. Because you don’t know my territory. You don’t need to–no one expects it of you.
Busy. That’s okay–really. But if that’s the case next time, greet me with “Hello” rather than “How are you?” My answers to that question are not for you.
Sacrificial Special Needs Answers
During this time in my life, I was given a friend who would ask me how I was doing, and could handle my answers. She was faithful in calling me. And if I wasn’t doing well, she would just call again the following day. If she thought my view of life was sometimes distorted, she wasn’t afraid to tell me, but mostly, she just listened. She was prepared to walk with me through this bewildering journey, for as long as it took. Her friendship and listening ear gave me so much courage.
How could another young mum be so sensitive to my pain ? By God’s grace, of course, but also through her own tragedy. She had lost a toddler son through a horrific accident. She could have drowned in grief and self pity after that accident. But instead, through her own suffering, she became more sensitive to the hurts of others.
God, grant that through our own suffering, we too might become more sensitive to the pain of others. May we become listening, faithful friends to those around us. And may we ask “How are you?” ready to hear the answer, whatever it might be.
What Are Your Special Needs Answers?
How do you handle situations like the one Maggi describes? Who has been willing to listen to your real answer? We’d love to hear you story in the comment box.
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By Maggi Gale
Maggi is a wife and mother of two daughters. She is a primary school teacher, having worked in Africa for 14 years before moving to the Middle East. Her passions are her animals and art. Her youngest daughter was born with tracheoesophageal fistula (TEF). This birth condition was to be the start of an arduous journey, impacting the whole family for several years. Through writing, she hopes to turn her experiences into encouragement for others on similar paths.
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My daughter’s world flipped and we are now on a twice unexpected journey.
I’m surprised to see who has stepped up and taken time to actually look up her diagnosis in order tonbe preparred to ask “how are you?”.
It’s been 2-3 people who have done that.
Mostly people want to know if I’m going to be ok. They don’t know, they don’t necessarily want to know the details; they just want to make sure we are OK.
…I wonder what would happen if these well-meaning people heard me answer honestly sometimes.
Something like “well, I’m really wrestling with God and struggling to reconcile what I thought was a pretty beautiful view of life with loss of skills and a life sentence of a diagnosis.”
Instead, I say “We working through it all, celebrating the wins when we can”
They always take that to mean that we have a lot of wins and are doing great so they are happy and move on.
The “how are you” people are different than the people who ask “how is ___ going and what does it look like?”
Tanna, you said about knowing your audience and the appropriateness of the time and place. That is so key, so that others don’t feel out of their depth when we offload. I guess it’s a case of balance and we can’t always get it right, but may you be given the opportunities to talk that you need.
Yes, it’s so sad how the support drops away. We really need friends who will walk with us for the long haul. I’m praying God provides a friend like that for you.
Thanks for your comment, Tanna. Anyone dealing with chronic health conditions has something to add to this conversation. Your perspective is spot on.
I’m jumping into the fire, here, I realize, but I loved this. I am a parent but my children do not have special needs. I however, have been suffering for two years from a terrible head injury with permanent nerve damage and excruciating amounts of pain. I know it’s not even close to the worry and stress of raising a special needs child. But, I too, am often asked, “How are you?” and I have decided that it feels really good to stop pretending and to just be honest. Know your audience and the appropriateness of the time/place, of course. Sometimes, I’ll just say, “I’m hanging in there” or “taking one day at a time” or “it’s been a rough week, but I’m loving the weather” and if the person wants to ask more, they will. You never know, you might find that Angel who will really sit down and listen to you and call to check on you and become that true supporter you needed! God Bless you and your precious babies, parents!
One of the problems for me has been finding people, other special needs parents or just good friends, that have the time to listen. It seems there is a lot of support when you first discover that your child has special needs but by the time your child is in middle school you’re on your own, especially if you children look typical. So I don’t even get asked the question anymore.
What a simple solution! Thanks, Kerith.
We certainly need more genuine interactions all of the time, but especially with other special needs moms. Could we not just talk with one another the way we wish others would interact with us?