Stress and How Parents of Kids with Special Needs Handle It
Stress is a component of the parenting process. The stress is often compounded for parents of children with special needs. A featured post at Julia Robert’s blog Support for Special Needs recently addressed the subject.
Overwhelming Stress
The post was written by Robert Rummel-Hudson, father of a daughter with special needs. (He also blogs at Fighting Monsters with Rubber Swords—a great title for a special needs parenting blog.) In the post, he talks about Veronica Galbraith, “a single mother of a teenaged boy with Autism in the UK who committed suicide after she was compelled to put her son into care when she found herself unable to cope with his behavioral issues.”
External Stress of Caring for a Child with Special Needs
He goes on to analyze the external and internal stresses Veronica and every parent caring for a child with special needs faces. He says, “These external stressors aren’t mitigating circumstances. They aren’t beside the point. They ARE the point…We don’t spend every minute of every day dealing with disability challenges, but because those challenges are omnipresent, we are always special needs parents, regardless of whether the monster is driving at that particular moment or not.”
Stress You Can’t Handle
He conclude the article with this observation:
When I read the story of someone like Veronica Galbraith, I don’t wonder if she got it wrong more than she got it right, but rather if she BELIEVED she got it wrong too much. And I realize, and remind myself when necessary, that the secret to successful parenting isn’t just about educating yourself, or listening closely to what your kids are trying to tell you, or fighting the good fight like a steely-eyed warrior. Those are vital points, to be sure. But none of that happens if you lose heart, or if you convince yourself that you really can’t show up for work the next morning.
There’s a saying that every special needs parent has heard at some point, rivaling the Holland Thing for frequency of appearance in our inbox. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” But we know better. Sometimes he does.
The article is thought-provoking and worth a thorough read. So buzz on over to Support for Special Needs for a closer look.
How Do You Handle the Stress You Can’t Handle?
The post made me thankful for the support system around us when our son was very sick, and it makes me thankful for my faith, too. Because I agree with Rummel-Hudson. God does give people more than they can handle. But my faith says he doesn’t want them to commit suicide. He wants them to see their need for him and trust him to handle it.
That’s how I got through the dark days and years with our son. How about you? How do you handle the stress you can’t handle? What support do you need? Leave a comment.
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By Jolene
Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. Sharing Love Abundantly with Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dance!, the third book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in October of 2023.
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Natasha,
Your feelings of failure are very normal. Many, many parents of kids wish special needs struggle with similar feelings because they can’t “fix” what’s wrong. You are failing neither your daughter or God. You are doing good and meaningful work as the hand of Christ. Have you heard of http://www.KeyMinistry.org? They offer many online services and supports, both spiritual and practical, for parents like you. You might want to check them out. Also, visit SnappinMinistries.org, click the contact button, and write an email asking about encouragement groups. Both organizations are also on Facebook and may be able to connect you with the support you need.
Let me know how things go,
Jolene
Hmm, i thought i could do it, but it just feels like i actually can’t. I feel like a failure, and that i am failing my daughter. I feel like im failing God. I can’t imagine my live without my daughter – i really love her, but sometimes the thought of ‘downtime’ seems really awesome. My mom helps but she comes back worse and hubby does, but he is out working / galavanting most of the time. I did seek help from therapists and i do pray, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Im at a loss.
Very well said, Tracy. Thanks for that bit of wisdom.
Jolene
Hi Kristi,
Writing is a good way to work through stress. Somehow it validates the feeling and makes it real, which then makes it possible to work through it.
Jolene
Great post. I think I handle a lot of my stress through writing/blogging. It’s very therapeutic to write it down when I’m feeling overwhelmed, need a break and when something wonderful happens. Also, I KNOW that God gives people much more than they can handle. But I thank him every single day for allowing me the joy of raising my beautiful son with special needs. I can’t imagine life without him. Exactly as he is.
As a parent of special needs I too feel the same way. That , yes, God can give you things that are to much to handle sometimes, and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that He is there to carry me through those rough times as hard as they can be sometimes.
Well put, Kerri. Thanks for stopping by.
Jolene
I read that post by Rob as well. I remember thinking that yes God gives you more than you can handle. How a parent deals with the stress of a special needs child is unique to each one of us. Some of us build villages, others become advocates and some of us are just grunts. Doing the best we can at this moment. It is all we can ask of ourselves.
For me, I run (or try to in the warm weather) and I blog. That is my therapy. It helps that the response has been positive and informative. I also have a great support system. Boo’s therapists have become friends. I know more about their lives than I do my brothers 🙂
As far as God having a place in dealing with my stress. I do not blame God for Boo’s hardships. But I don’t thank him either.
Thank you, Shannon, for sharing your thoughts. I’m glad you sense God’s presence and his tears in your daily losses.
Jolene
I have learned to thank God in the midst of struggle for those things that challenge me, it changes my mindset to trust Him and to see purpose and have hope, I can let go. I also have to forgive myself and move past the moment to give reaffirming love to my son. I was just thinking about the too much to handle phrase the other day and am so thankful to hear this. Some days letting go of my expectations is so painful, even the most innocent of ones like having a Christmas tree,but my son can’t handle the anticipation. God is not punishing me life is just hard sometimes and He mourns with us.
Thanks for your wise comments, Wendy. Celebrating being good enough is much better than setting an unattainable standard of perfection.
Jolene
I was so impressed with this post. I especially loved what was said about the person who committed suicide–that it’s our belief that we haven’t done enough right that can send us off the edge. We’ve got to stay in touch with the so many things that we are doing right so we can stay in balance. I am not caring for a special needs kid, but I had a serious illness my first year of life and know how hard life was for my parents. I also took care of my mother for three years who had dementia. As a care-giver, I had to be constantly forgiving myself and giving my burden over to god and asking for help. I had to accept being the good-enough care giver and learn to celebrate myself for that when I could.
Sarah,
Very well put. Thanks for adding to the discussion. Anyone else out there want to chime in? How do you respond to stress? Is God part of your process?
Jolene
I hate it when people say that God will never give you more than you can handle. It puts the focus in the wrong place. God might give me more than I can handle, but He won’t give me more than HE can handle. And that’s what he expects I will do with the stress – give it to Him. I’m not great at that, but I’m learning.