A Faith Lens When Special Needs Parenting Clouds Your Vision
Faith can be a hard thing to hang onto when raising kids with special needs. Today, new guest blogger Michelle Selent writes about recent adventures parenting two daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome that are making it hard for her to keep faith.
Finding My Faith Lens
This post I am about to write is my least favorite kind of post. The kind where I don’t have clear vision. Where a haze is all that is visible in every direction. I wrestle during these times if I should even write, but I am compelled to because someone is out there, maybe not at this moment but maybe coming behind me, that will be where I am at and they will need to know they are not alone. They will need to feel some sense of comradeship.
Finding My Faith Lens in the Midst of School Troubles
I am having a hard time finding my faith lenses. The struggles with the girls have been hard and many lately. To begin, we had to make a school decision that was very hard to make. The Christian preschool we put them in, well… reality set in. Jubilee’s behaviors were described as overwhelming. Our hearts completely sank as once again we were sitting in a meeting about our daughter and hearing the same things once again. Eric wasn’t shocked. I think he prepared himself for reality better than my hopeful Mama’s heart. We felt it was best to decide to go back to public school just for the safety. At the public school, they can’t decide her behaviors are too much. They have to educate her. Everywhere she goes her cuteness fades, reality sets in, and she becomes “that” kid. You know—the one who is exhausting and frustrating and always has issues. Medications have brought no help at this point either. In fact, the side effects are ones I am not willing to inflict upon my child.
Finding My Faith Lens While Potty Training
Potty training remains a complete mystery. I do know how to potty train a child. I mean, I have successfully trained 4 boys in the past, but I am completely stumped with these girls. A little over a week ago after she had peed on the sidewalk, Jubilee proudly took my hand to show me the puddle then grinned ear to ear and said, “Look, Mommy! I pee pee in the potty.” The dots just don’t connect even if they say and do things that make you think they are connecting, because the next day it will be like starting completely from scratch.
We just came back from a four-day getaway as a family, and I feel like I was beat and left for dead. I cannot even number the times we looked back to see the girls had once again unbuckled from their car seats and were loose as we were driving. The tantrums were also countless. I just kept my eyes to the ground and would not look anyone in the eyes who I knew were starring at this “inept parent” in front of them.
Finding My Faith Lens Despite Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
The big discouragement came when Jubilee decided to pull her not-a-bit-loose tooth out of her head. I had read about F.A.S. children doing this before, and now we are another statistic. These are just some of the numerous three- and four-year-old challenges we daily face, and I cannot even let my mind think about what teenage challenges might be. The ones I have read about are terrifying.
Hidden disabilities are the worst. Your child looks “normal” and can even say the right things, but the actions don’t line up or follow suit. Sometimes we feel like physical presentations of their disabilities would be easier. Maybe others would be more tolerant and understanding.
Praying for Renewed Faith
My lenses right now are experiential. They are caked with the challenges and the behaviors. I am asking God to clear the debris. For light to shine in the darkness. For a renewed faith perspective and hope.
I once again pray these words over my girls:
For I know the plans I have for you, Jubilee and Mercy, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
So even in my hardest struggles, in the deep pits, in the dark…God is here.
Finding Your Faith Lens
Do you understand how Michelle feels? Have you ever felt like she does? Do you feel like she does now? What do you do to renew your faith when all seems dark? Leave a comment.
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By Michelle Selent
Michelle is the mother of two adopted daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome. You can connect with her on Instagram.
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Nancy,
Thanks for sharing those ways to remain thankful and encouraged. Good ideas and simple, too.
Jolene
Thank you for Sharing. One of the things that helps me is to sing or play musice that I like to sing when I was yonger in Church. I also thank god every day for my children. It has taken time for me to get to were I am at. I use to think that there was something I could have done different and blame my self for my childrens health problems and disabilietys . I also ask god to please help me be the best parent, and to help me do what he would want me to do for his children that he blessed me with.
Oops, I meant JEREMIAH 29:11… (always had trouble w/references!)=)
Thank you for sharing so honestly from your heart, Michelle!
Isaiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses already but LOVED how you input your girls names–SO special to read it that way.
Hi Shannon,
Thank you for your encouragement. From what you’ve written, your children are blessed to have you as their mother.
Jolene
I found this linked from facebook, and even though I am not religious I have the same struggles with 3 of my kid, I just cope in a different way. However, I wanted to commiserate about the potty training. It will happen eventually, it may not be until preteen or early teen years though. My oldest kid with FAS is 11 and I still have to tell him to go potty or he just won’t. However, he is no longer peeing on sidewalks, and as long as I remember for him it’s all good. Adjust your expectations, and just go with the flow (pun totally intended). Hang in there, I KNOW this is difficult, but these kids are worth the struggle. And, go easy on yourself. Your faith should be a comfort, not stress on the pile of everyday life. Sometimes all we can do is cope, and surely your God understands.
Nicole and Amanda,
I so appreciate you both taking the time to leave a comment. It’s risky to be vulnerable isn’t it? Both of you blessed and encouraged my heart today. Thank you for the encouragement and blessings to you both!
I definitely know how Michelle feels. I know how this behavior can leave one baffled, befuddled and without hope. My own son pulled off his braces countless times. Now as a young man, he wishes he had left them on. He was dismissed from several schools and my husband and I wept many times. Today, he has graduated from High School and has a Part time job at a Botanical Garden that he loves. I’ve been down the same road and like Michelle, I got relief in God, in writing and in sharing with a compassionate community of parents, educators and administrators. Please feel free to join me at an IEP for Mom, http://www.IEPforMom.com I am not referring to an Individualized Educational Program. Moms like us need Individualized Empowerment Plans. With faith, sleep and support, we find that we do bounce back and so do our children. Don’t give up! With Love and Appreciation, Doreen
Dear Nicole,
Thank you for your encouraging words to Michelle. And congratulations to you and your daughter for the progress she has made.
Jolene
Dear Amanda,
I’m so glad the post was an encouragement to you. Hang on as you parent your little boy. God has a son, too, and knows how you feel.
Jolene
I am here! I feel like I have lost faith, and my struggles with my son only bring me farther from God. I needed to read this, thank you!
Oh, my sweet soul sister!!! I too am raising two adopted children with FASD (along with our biological child and another adopted child with different special needs. I can honestly say I have been there on every level. I hope that it gives you hope that I completely gave up on potty training my daughter at 4 and, then, at 5 1/2 after a long stretch with good seizure control, it just clicked. I feel your heart and I am praying for your faith lenses. Good luck, my friend, and be blessed as you are a blessing to your girls.