Parenting Stepchildren with Special Needs

by JoleneJan 28, 2013How-Tos, Special Needs Parenting18 comments

Parenting stepchildren isn't easy. Stepparents have gotten a bad rap since Cinderella. This post discusses parenting stepchildren with special needs.

Parenting stepchildren isn’t easy. Stepparents have been getting a bad rap since Cinderella’s story first hit the press. But Donna Thompson’s post at her blog The Caregiver’s Living Room shines a different light on the subject of parenting stepchildren with special needs.

Parenting Stepchildren Interview

In her post Caring for Step-Children, Donna shares a stepparent interview first published at BLOOM, an online magazine for special needs families. (BLOOM is published in Canada, and it’s worth a look. It’s loaded with resources and a variety of perspectives about parenting kids with special needs.) In the interview, Louise Kinross, the creator of BLOOM, talks with Canadian Olympic rower, Silken Laumann.

Silken Laumann Parenting Experience

In the interview, Silken talks about her own blended family. The family includes her husband’s daughter Kilee, who experiences autism and sometimes displays challenging behaviors. She is very transparent about the challenges of being Kilee’s stepparent. In the interview, she identifies the challenges of the first few months of the transition, how her discipline strategies had to change, how they avoided making family life all about Kilee, how she’s come to see beyond her stepdaughter’s special needs, and how she’s learned to slow down and see more positives in everyday life.

The entire interview is worth a read at Caring for Step-Children. While you’re at Donna’s site, take a look around. She addresses many aspects of caregiving in her different posts—thought-provoking stuff.

What Parenting Challenges Have You Experienced?

What about you readers who are stepparents to children with special needs? What are your greatest challenges? How do you deal with them? What supports would make life easier?

On the other hand, what joys are part of your parenting experience? What have you learned from your stepchild? How has your perception of kids with special needs changed? Your comments and stories can help people understand how to help and encourage you. Thanks in advance!

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By Jolene

Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dance!, the third book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in October of 2023.

18 Comments

Jolene on September 11, 2017 at 8:54 am

Hi Nadia, you are dealing with a difficult situation. I’m from Iowa and am not familiar with what’s available in New Jersey. Are you on Facebook? If so, search for Facebook groups for parents of kids with autism, asperger’s and ADHD. Then join those groups and ask if anyone knows of real world support groups in New Jersey. Or visit the national websites of organizations like Autism Speaks or the National Autism Society. They should have a list of support groups by state. Or type in “autism support groups New Jersey” in a search engine, and you should get some results. I hope that helps!
Nadia on September 10, 2017 at 8:43 pm

Hello everyone, I hope there is still someone here. I am a stepmom to a 9 year old boy with Aspergers and ADHD. I love his father and we have been together almost 4 years. Things have been rough lately. It doesn’t help that the biological mom has border line personality disorder and is full of hate towards our family.
I would like to get group support in my area. I am from NJ. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Jolene on August 11, 2016 at 8:31 am

Sandra, I’m sorry for the delayed response. I will reply to you with some ideas via email. Jolene
Sandra on August 11, 2016 at 6:37 am

I’ve been married for 9 yrs and a stepmom to a 30 yr old down syndrome girl. My husband was a widower for 3 yrs before we married. Never thought this could be so hard, need a support group in my area, i feel like I’m the only one in the world who has a special need stepchild, i feel like no one understand, she is a very swert girl. Need help please.
Jolene on May 29, 2014 at 8:38 am

First of all, congratulations on the new life you are carrying! What a joy! This is news to celebrate as any family with typical kids would also celebrate. My suggestion is that you share the news as anyone would, acknowledge that you will need help to care for those in your charge, and ask your family to come alongside you. If they won’t or can’t, ask good friends and church familye? to support you.

What suggestions do other blog readers have?
Jolene
Cary on May 27, 2014 at 10:01 pm

I’ve recently married to a wonderful man who happens to have 3 wonderful children with all special needs. The eldest has an autism spectrum disorder because of a birth defect being born without a corpus coloseum. The second was in an auto accident 4 years ago causing a spinal cord injury,18 months after their third was born premature. When then the child in the auto accident came home and she had 24-hour nurses still. The mother was caught abusing the children(which the state of Michigan has done little about). Now the five of us live a pretty balanced life with the exception of the time they are forced to spend with their biological mother. It is busy and hectic and I came home from my doctor today with the news that I’m pregnant.
I’m a previous cancer patient and this is my first child. I just don’t even know what to say to my family. I want them to be happy for me I would like all of the things people get for first births.
I just don’t even know how to present the information. It’s a lot I know but life is crazy like that.
Jolene on May 27, 2014 at 8:36 am

Amanda,

Thanks for the update. How good to hear things are better, even though they’re not back to what they used to be. I’m so glad to hear you’ve found a support group. Knowing you are not alone and learning from others who’ve been where you are now is a great blessing!

Jolene
Amanda on May 23, 2014 at 8:43 am

Elizabeth,

Sorry for the late response. I actually have found some support groups in my area for parents with special needs children. It is one thing that has help tremendously. Though Jordan’s behavior hasn’t exactly gone back to the sweet loving boy I once knew, I have picked up some great advice from these moms. They have a lot of the same experiences. All of these moms have opened my eyes to know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one experiencing these issues. And that its okay to have days like these when you have kids with special needs. I was in therapy but my therapist couldn’t relate to my situations like these moms can. She would give me tips and give me coping mechanisms but she just didn’t understand what life with a special needs child is. But this support group is filled with moms who understand. You’ve been down the same path I am journeying down. My suggestion would be to try to find a support group that you can physically go to. Take 2 hours on that night for Mommy time and breathe. Stepping back and away from the chaos helps bring order.

Hope things are getting better!

Amanda
Jolene on April 12, 2014 at 10:10 am

Hi Elizabeth,

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It must be such an effort to keep going. I’ll send Amanda a message, and hopefully she’ll respond with a comment. Again, I encourage you to go to Lara Petherbridge’s website (www.laurapetherbridge.com) and check out her resources. You might also want to contact her via her website with your questions.

Praying for you,
Jolene
Elizabeth on April 11, 2014 at 9:24 pm

Hi Amanda – I am in the same boat as you. I have been married 4 years now and with my husband a total of 6. We each had 2 kids from our first marriages so I thought it would be balanced. It’s not! My step-son is almost 18 and it is so incredibly hard to step-parent him. He is mildly intellectually challenged, has all the characteristics of Autism but his parents refuse to call it that and I basically feel like the hired help b/c I have no emotional relationship with my step-son and his bio parents make all the decisions about him. Has your situation gotten any better? We’ve been in therapy for 4 years now and it is definitely not getting any easier. Any advice from anyone out there?
Jolene on February 7, 2014 at 12:26 pm

Hi Amanda,

You are dealing with a great deal. Good for you for looking for ways to improve the situation. Let’s deal with the step-parent issue first. I suggest you go to Laura Petherbridge’s website at http://www.laurapetherbridge.com/. She’s a step-mom who writes extensively about step-parenting. Now for your son’s issues. Though I’m no expert on Tetrasomy 18, his response sounds very similar to that of a child who’s reacting from a place of stress, fear and trauma–perhaps related to medical procedures and birth trauma, as well as the end of his parents’ relationship. Even if those things happened when he was very young, at some level he remembers those memories and could be reacting out of fear. A book I just finished might help you understand and respond differently to your son. Click on Beyond Consequences for the Amazon listing.

I hope these resources help. Please let me know how things are going!

Jolene
Amanda Wolfe on February 7, 2014 at 7:40 am

I’m a step parent to a child with special needs. Reading that article on Bloom, I felt like I was reading a page from my own book. My step son isn’t autistic but his characteristics are pretty close to what Kilee experiences. He has Tetrasomy 18p. This disability is very rare and there isn’t much known about it. When my husband and I first got together, I did everything I could to read up on his disability to better understand. That didn’t work and I found that out very quickly. Like Kilee, Jordan is very emotionally based. He cannot communicate much regarding how he feels, he just shows you. I also am an impatient and demanding person as I have found. And because of that, I’m struggling to find a balance with Jordan and myself. We had a pretty level relationship when his father and I first got married. He was the only child, he was spoiled with attention. He loved it. I then got pregnant with my first child. And since then, all hell has broken loose. Jordan wont even associate with me. He will blatantly ignore me if I ask him a question. Just yesterday I said “Hi buddy” when he climbed in the car from school and he ignored me then too. He loves his little brother but he almost seems like he’s taking something out on me. I know most children stuggle when a new sibling comes into the family, but he doesn’t react badly to his littler brother. Just me. I’m not sure if this is all in my head. But I definitely need help, or support. Or suggestions. Anything really to help. This causes nothing but tension between my husband and I because I get upset for being ignored and yelled at by my 11 year old. And then my husband gets upset with me for not understanding. I need help.

Thank you,

Amanda
Jolene on June 27, 2013 at 9:37 am

Stephanie,

Thank you for the information, Stephanie. It is most helpful. Parents, whatever you do, check with a lawyer because the laws about guardianship vary from state to state.

Jolene
Stephanie (Morgan's Mom) on June 27, 2013 at 3:39 am

Pamela,
I have a special needs child and his father is technically his step-dad.
We have not done adoption but we have done the legal system with regards to guardianship via special needs planning organization. You just need to file for guardianship over your minor child… which sounds silly because your the parent but it will make sense later because you must become their guardian before they are an adult or the court system makes it much harder for you to become their guardian after they are an adult.
If you DO NOT become the childs guardian then someone (anyone) once they are an adult can say they wont to marry them, take them, date them etc… and you have no rights to your own childs future and if you are the guardian legally you can prevent anything BAD from happening. A lot of scamming going on with people and working the system to obtain social security benefits for those with disabilities.
Now back to your question if you become a guardian legally you are able to give consent to allow your spouse to adopt. So that is what you must do and the court appoints a person to evaluate what is in the best interest of the child and speaks for them in court and a judge decides… it is actually very simple IF they are a minor.

So hope that helps email me if you have questions. stefaniefindley@yahoo.com
Jolene on June 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm

Dear Pamela,

You are asking a good question that is far beyond my area of expertise. You would do best to contact a lawyer who specializes in adoption and/or special needs. Check out this alliance for special needs attorneys: http://www.specialneedsalliance.org/home. Also, you might try The ARC. They have a national website and a page to connect people with local chapters: http://www.thearc.org/.

I hope that helps,
Jolene
Pamela on June 25, 2013 at 4:47 pm

my husband of 13 years wants to adopt my adult children.One of my son’s is non-verbal and has autism.We have been told in order to adopt him we have a few more steps vs the other two adult kids.This is becuase he can’t give his consent.Can you tell me exactly what is required???
Jolene on February 1, 2013 at 10:51 am

Jan,

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. You and your child are blessed to have him, and my guess is that you both are a blessing to him, too.

Jolene
Jan Kaye on January 29, 2013 at 8:48 pm

my husband is a step parent and in my childs eyes, you can take away the word step..he is her dad, just by the way she looks at him with all the love in the world for him..,,there are very few men out there that would take ona special needs child in a relationship…but a REAL man will…a man whom loves kids, and those men rock!