Today’s guest post by Amy Stout speaks to the sense of inadequacy common to many parents of kids with special needs. Once you read this post, you’ll realize you are in good company. Be sure to come back tomorrow for Part 2 of Amy’s post. If you have a child who keeps you up at night, you won’t want to miss it.
Becoming the Mom a Child with Disabilities Needs, Part 1
Every evening, after I have snuggled my precious baby in her bed and kissed her sweet, angelic face, I find myself vowing that on the morrow I WILL BE a better mommy! Yet, tomorrow comes and I hear myself repeating the same whispered promise to myself yet again.
I Will Never Measure Up as the Parent of a Child with Disabilities
I never measure up to the mommy I want to be. I fail miserably ALL the time. Kylie doesn’t complain now, but someday, when she finds her voice, she will.
Maybe it isn’t so much that I can’t measure up to the mommy I want to be, but maybe it is that I can’t keep up with all that needs to be done and that makes the mommy in me feel like a complete loser failure.
Does Everyone Feel Like This?
Does everyone feel this? Or do I just need special head help? I try to give myself the “pep talk” about (well, you know, the one about cleaning with toddlers being like shoveling while it’s still snowing), but it doesn’t work, I still get terrified when I hear someone at my front door. Can they just holler at me from the street or send me an email?
Yes, it is pride… shameful pride, but I know other moms can do it. They can manage their multiple children and keep their home spotless! How do they do it? Why can’t I achieve this?
Ok, so maybe my child has to be watched just a tad closer (like butter on a biscuit)… you know, like the time I was doing dishes and she decided to make her own version of the Bible with the words of our Lord in red… (yes, you guessed it, she colored an entire page of God’s Holy Word with red marker — but she stayed in the lines!! Score one for Occupational Therapy!!)
Am I Lazy?
Still…. am I lazy? Why can’t I get it all together?
I feel really tired all the time… okay, so I get a few sympathy points for the fact that my child doesn’t sleep unless medicated – heavily – and I am up all hours of the night. Forget that while I am trying to close my eyes for just a few seconds of blissful rest, my toddler is standing on my thighs to look out my bedroom window in the pitch black of the middle of the night to declare how “beeeuteeeful” the stars are (in her best princess Tiana voice, of course) and then squeals high enough to make a dog whimper, pretending to see a frog.
My house smells anything but the smell of lemon fresh cleanliness. What gives? Okay, so I may change a couple (hundred) major (Mira lax induced) poop filled diapers that smell like something dead crawled inside my daughter and refuses to come out because it has fermented in there! It is the highlight of my day to do this “meet and greet” every 15 minutes. It is even better after Kylie has jumped on our unmade beds and slid down the stairs in her cozy, warm diaper. There isn’t a potpourri scent out there that will take away that lovely smell.
What’s Wrong With Me?
I have no motivation to cook a meal… seriously… the thought makes me want to throw myself on the bed and cry… what is wrong with me??? (Oh no! people are starting to plan casseroles for my husband as they read.) I am not a bad cook! I used to love to cook, once upon a time. Once upon a time when it didn’t take me 45 minutes to coax a bite of anything down my daughter’s throat…want a cookie for dinner? Sure!! You can have anything you want sweet pea, just eat SOMETHING… a napkin or popsicle stick on the side??? (She needs roughage you know, and pickles, lemons and ice don’t cut it according to the nutritionist.) You want “red” (catsup) for breakfast?? You got it girlfriend. I hear they make that stuff from a vegetable called a tomato! (Yes, all the ghosts are out of the closet now.)
Am I Losing It?
“Is she losing it?” you all are texting to each other… probably!!
I trip a million times a day over all the architecture that Kylie has blessed our home with. It is by Jesus Christ’s great mercy that I have not broken my leg. (I am not being sacrilegious. I am dead serious.) We have markers in perfect 4 foot long lines laid out in the order of the colors of the rainbow… move one or forbid you pick it up and we have to start ALL OVER AGAIN. Only this time with that greatly desired whiny fuss we all love to hear! Every Disney princess and forest pal is lined up in perfect order – don’t you dare put themsomewhere else. “The Walt” (our precious Kylie) will know and correct you promptly. Barbies in their naked splendor lay across our living room floor – they are not allowed to have clothing on. Our home decor is not complete without the fabulous addition of glitter glue in hues of “all over the place, face and clothing,” yet it cannot touch our body or you will hear yelps of “Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!”
What Questions Do You Ask Yourself as the Mom of a Child with Disabilities?
Do any of Amy’s questions sound familiar? Or are you plagued with different questions about your perceived inadequacies? If so, tell us what they are in the comment box. Maybe we can compile a list and make a poster! And if you’d like to read more of Amy’s blog posts, visit her website at http://histreasuredprincess.blogspot.com/.
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Amy,
I’m glad that I could encourage you! It’s so easy to feel the pressure of being “perfect” and having the “perfect” house. I will face that in a couple months when my grandmother-in-law visits and expects and immaculate house (including every cabinet and closet), perfectly cooked homemade meals, and perfect children. Little does she know that my goal is to have children in love with Jesus. I’ll get to the rest later. 😉
Marci-
I totally understand what you mean. I had to wait 13.5 years to be a mommy and I want every moment I can have with my precious girl. Unfortunately, I still feel guilty that things aren’t “just so”. I need to work on being better at fighting the “enemy” as those thoughts only detract from my being fully hers.
Thanks for encouraging me and hugging me through your comments!
Well said, Marci! I followed the same philosophy when my kids were young. Now the kids are gone, the house is very clean, and I enjoy it without regrets for the past!
Jolene
Amy,
I have 3 young ones. 4, 2 (soon to be 3), and 10 months. Every day is a new adventure and my house is never as clean as my husband wishes it could be. Someone more intelligent than I once told me that each day I spend with my children is an investment in eternity. Every moment I spend loving them, I have the opportunity to teach them about the Father’s love for us. I can show them how Jesus loves and cares for us. Perhaps my house is cluttered and our meals may be lacking. And yet each moment we have to teach our children about the Lord is much more important. One day when my kids are older, my house will be clean. Today, while they are still small, I want them to have as much of me as I can give. They will grow up much more quickly than I want them to. I’d rather have no regrets about the time we spent together than have an immaculate house. I’ll have plenty of time to keep the house spotless when they are gone. I’ll never get these moments with them again. 🙂
I read the passage this morning. What a boost of confidence that Bible story must have been to you. God has a purpose for Kylie’s life!
Jolene
HI Everyone –
Thanks so much for your encouragement and support. I can’t even begin to express what that means to me. It is so nice to know there are others who share these same feelings.
Kim, you had me curious about the passage that Kylie highlighted with red in our Bible. I searched it out tonight and was FLOORED to read it. It literally made me cry at the significance. I think the Holy Spirit made you thing about it so I would go look!!
My baby girl highlighted 2 Kings 4:8-37
It gave me chills. (for those of you who don’t know us well, we have lived with infertility for 18 years- we adopted at the 13.5 year mark)
I love my new “red letter edition by Kylie” =0)
Hope you will all check out what she highlighted and feel blessed too!
Curious to know the chapter she “highlighted”. Wondering if God picked the page, not Kylie. Matthew 19:14? My house is a mess with an 18 year old and a 12 year old. It’s ok. You’re an encouragement to all mothers who can’t be perfect, don’t have time for things they like – like cooking, and especially those whose houses aren’t kept by Clean Sweep. God Bless my dear. Tell hubby you need a hug and get the kid some bible highlighters so they don’t seep through all the pages.
Beautifully said! I think every Mom has felt inadequate at the end of every day! I know I did and I didn’t have near as much to face every day as you do! Let Him carry you!
Amy you’re just being yourself and opening up your heart to all the people out there. I’m sure many moms can totally empathize with you.
In fact, this doesn’t apply only to moms. It applies to all of us! I still occasionally ask myself these questions: Am I lazy? Does everyone feel like this? Not in terms of being a better mom, but just being a better person – employee, boyfriend, friend, son, or entrepreneur.
Glad to have read this before I sleep today! Remember to post the Part 2 link on Facebook tomorrow 😉
Oh Amy! Oh my God. What can I say…I read through this and just was nodding through the entire thing…Oh so well well written. Thank you…THANK YOU AND THANK YOU…
I thought I was reading about me!
😉
Suzanne
Be warned. You’ll need more Kleenex tomorrow!
Jolene
Grab the kleenex — I’m crying as I read my life in your words. I’ve been making the “I’ll be a better mommy” promise for more than 15 years. Bless your heart for being our voice.
Amy that was very powerful and you are a beautiful writer! Thank you for sharing your heart with us and I frequently feel inadequate and insecure as a mom & wife! LOVE YOU and your sweet family!!!!