Are You Letting Perfectionism Kill Your Confidence?

by Laurie WallinOct 25, 2011Encouragement, Spiritual Support7 comments

A mom to 2 kids with special needs, Laurie Wallin fell into the trap of perfectionism. In this post she explains how she escaped from the trap.

Whoa, that’s one loaded question! Exactly the kind of question intrepid Laurie Wallin likes to raise and tackle. Read on to discover how Laurie tackles the perfectionism monster when it rears its ugly head.

Are You Letting Perfectionism Kill Your Confidence?

My heart racing, I needed OUT of the car. Immediately. If I could have crawled out of my own skin, I would have. Tears welled in eyes. Breath short. Trying to calm myself, I focused on my friend next to me and blurted the most normal question I could think of:

“So, what did you think of preschool this morning?”

You see, we’re both in a mommy-and-me preschool with our toddlers and the scene above happened in the car on the way home. Why the heck was I such a mess after preschool? Good question.

Turns out it’s because I don’t have a clue how to be a normal mom. If you’ve read posts at my blog for any length of time, you know it’s partly due to the special needs of my older girls. Until today, though, I didn’t realize how much that’s changed me.

It’s left me a foreigner in the land of normal.

Raising kids with mood and behavioral special needs really messes with you. It’s tiring in every way imaginable. It’s not pretty to watch in public. And it is a confidence-killer. Especially if you’ve done everything professionals recommend and invested your life in therapeutic parenting, only to throw up the white flag and end up admitting your child to a residential treatment facility 7 years later.

Like I said—confidence killer.

But the circumstances weren’t the only culprit. I helped over the years by falling into the trap of perfectionism. In my grief and stress, I bargained, “If I just did everything perfectly, my daughter will get well.”

My perfectionism did more to kill confidence than the circumstances themselves.

Perfect vs. Confident

Perfect is the dark side of confidence. Confidence is knowing what you’re here for, what you’re good at, and what God wants you to do with it all. It’s recognizing and taking care of that realm in your life (2 Corinthians 10:14-17).

When we relentlessly focus inward instead of on God’s design, the clarity with which we see ourselves becomes a murky view of all we don’t have and can’t do.

But if we make it our life’s work not to be perfect but rather confident in what God made us to do and who He made us to be, it’s life-giving.

That is, I believe, what Jesus meant about a taking on the “light burden” and “easy yoke” He offers us all (Matthew 11:30).

Replacing Perfectionism With Confidence

Ask questions. Ask God, yourself, and others what you’re good at, what you do that helps others most, and what gives you the most joy?

Notice your history. What activities are you attracted to, and which give you the most energy? What does your role end up being at whatever job or group you’re involved in?
Find mentors. Seek and build relationships with people who share your strengths and passions. Look for people who challenge you to grow your strengths, and who encourage you in your giftings.
Pray… with your eyes open. Every tiny fraction of a degree change in our life trajectory with each choice we make can lead to huge differences in outcome, so navigate them with your eyes emotionally, mentally, and spiritually “wide open.”
Affirm what God’s affirming in you. Confidence is agreeing with what is true. Perfectionism is agreeing with and pursuing everything and everyone’s expectations. Focus on your area of gifting and strength, and affirm it daily.

For me, as I bounce back from years of waning confidence and ballooning perfectionism, this is a constant choice. But I don’t want to feel like a stranger to normal as a parent. I don’t want to constantly feel like a failure or like my own mind is a tyrant. So I choose daily to pursue true, honest, life-giving confidence.

Will you join me in that choice?
Laurie

How About It?

Did you recognize yourself as Laurie shared her story? If so, how about it? Are you willing to ask God to change your perfectionism into confidence in him? Are you brave enough to leave a comment to let Laurie know she’s not the only one working on this issue? She’d love to hear from you!

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By Laurie Wallin

Laurie is the mom of four daughters–two adopted with developmental delays, mood disorders, and ADHD. A former junior high teacher turned speaker and life coach, she loves to learn, laugh until their sides hurt, and help women be courageous in life.

7 Comments

Nancy on October 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Thanks, Jolene. Today is a new day.
Jolene on October 28, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Nancy,

You are a highly capable woman doing a demanding, rewarding job. Keep praying with your eyes open and taking those deep breaths. Let Jesus take care of the perfect part. He’s really good at that.

Jolene
Nancy Woleslagle on October 28, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Every day God reminds me that I am not perfect and I am not super mom. Almost every day I have to tell Satan to “get behind me” as he would like me to believe that I am therefore a horrible mom.

Just this morning I was confronted with this. I, mother of 2 special need kids, I, who gives multiple medications off the top of my head at least 3 times a day, overdosed my “normal” 9 month old on Tylenol. After 2 calls to poison control, it took 2 calls, because I had to admit that I wasn’t sure how many doses I gave my daughter in the past 24 hours, I know I am not perfect. How could I make such a mistake! How stupid do I look to poison control! I don’t even remember exactly what I did in the last 24 hours!

I am taking many deep breaths and praying with eyes open, too. I’m also trying to give myself a break (I took a nap). I am really grieving right now, too, and I know in my head that effects my abilities.

However, I also find I struggle a lot with others not being perfect. We are going through finding a home health care nurse again. I find I expect them to know how to do everything the way I want and the way my daughter needs after 2 shifts. I think I could, but I’ve been doing this 10 years. And though I hate to admit it, I make mistakes, too!

Oh, Lord, indwell your Spirit within me!
Amy on October 26, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Thanks for your article Laurie- It was very timely!

I actually had a conversation with myself just this afternoon about our family’s DVD collection. I was not happy with them just being put away in their DVD storage… NO, things would be BETTER if they were grouped by category: All the Veggie Tales here, All the signing time here, and etc. Something my daughter would have “re-organized” 5 whole minutes later and “undone” what I had spent hours doing.

I can relate to “bargaining”. Thinking that things would be better if I could just do things a certain way (MY way). When things are just fine as they are and I would waste valuable time organizing “better” or a step further, when my daughter just really needs ME and My attention focused on her.

I also relate to feeling alone when in a crowd of people. I have a harder time relating to “normal” people (especially women) because I feel so different – I feel like I have tenticles coming out of my forehead. I have learned that this is pride (I mean, really… why would people even be looking at me? We all have our “stuff”, mine is just different)

I just received a spontaneous hug from my daughter – my day is definitely looking up! =0)
lynette on October 26, 2011 at 10:54 am

thanks for sharing! just what i needed to read today! i can relate on 2 levels.

1st, when our daughter was very ill and we could have lost her at any moment my son begged me to go with him to his freshman college orientation. all i could think about was how my sick child was doing, and the hospital had been my world for the past 4 monthes. while every other parent shared the struggle of letting go of their child to go to college, i couldn’t relate. i felt so strange and alien and i just didn’t fit in.
i cried a lot in phone calls to my hubby who was sitting bedside at the hospital. i just wasn’t normal anymore!

today, the same child from 4 years ago is home. she made it, but we are dealing with major emotional issues and struggles with her. my husband and myself have questioned did we do the right thing fighting for her life and not giving up (we had one doctor that talked a lot about quality vs. quantity of life). i know we wouldn’t have done anything different then, but our daughter is still grieving the loss of use of her leftside from a stroke and is in the midst of not wanting to live. we also wondered aloud what if we had done this or taken care of that would she be happier…as somehow we would be in control of it all. in our hearts we know that this is a lie from the enemy, but as we try and make sense of our hurting child, we find we can’t. we need to rest in the Lord. no amount of perfection is going to make things better. we simply are not in control. God was a perfect father to adam and eve in the garden. provided them all they needed and they still didn’t see it.

in the midst of our daily struggle right now, i thank you for sharing…sometimes just knowing i’m not the only one that feels that way is so uplifting!

blessings,

lynette fisher
Jolene on October 26, 2011 at 10:10 am

Hi Robyn,

I agree with you. Thanks to Laurie for being so transparent about your struggles. It’s wonderful to know we’re not alone!

Jolene
Robyn on October 26, 2011 at 9:47 am

Laurie,

Thanks for being honest and sharing your story. I have struggled with the ideal of being perfect for many years. I’m not perfect – my house doesn’t look perfect, I even tell myself I don’t have to be perfect, but when I fail and fall short of perfection I’m realizing that it really floors me until I deal with it and move on. God has been showing me that tendency again lately – and with His help I’m going to try to leave it behind and live life with a lot more Grace!

~Robyn